Yar Har Har
by Risknight
Summary: Penny, Sheldon, Bernadette, Raj and Cinnamon celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day the best way they know how.


**I wrote this story about a year ago for wolfofsheep when she requested a Talk Like A Pirate Day one-shot. It's about a month or so until that particular holiday rolls around again, so here's my challenge. I'm going to write another one, and I want to see what everyone else can come up with as well. There are no restrictions of length, rating or ship. Shenny, Lenny, Lamy, Howardette, or whoever you like. Romance, angst, friendship, it's all up for grabs, my friends. Hopefully I see you all on September 19th.**

* * *

Penny pulled a pint of triple chocolate ice cream from the freezer and ripped off the top. After the bottle of wine she had downed, she needed something on her stomach. She sniffled softly and leaned against the counter. She was tempted to get dolled up, hit the nearest club and find some muscular, brainless ape to warm her bed.

She sobbed and threw the pint and spoon into the sink. How could he? How could Leonard cheat on her with Sheldon's assistant?! And then to tell her it was an "accident"! How the hell do you "accidentally" go to a motel and screw someone?

Penny jumped as her door was suddenly flung open and Sheldon stormed in.

"What the hell?" she screamed at him. "Are you insane? You scared me to death!"

Sheldon looked at her angrily. "I am not insane. My mother had me tested. And you are very much alive. I want a drink."

Penny's eyes bugged out and she momentarily forgot her heartache. "Wha…? What do you mean you want a drink?"

Sheldon crossed the cluttered floor swiftly. He began opening cupboards and looking through them. "Alcohol. Liquor. Booze. Firewater. Spirits. Hootch. Where is it? It is the accepted response when tragedy strikes, correct?"

Penny reached under the counter and pulled out a bottle of rum. Sheldon reached for it, but Penny put it behind her back. "Why?" she demanded.

Sheldon's eyes narrowed and he glowered at her for several seconds. Finally he huffed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it up. "Amy has broken up with me," he admitted. "She says her Saudi fiancé is threatening to attack on September 19th unless she marries him now." Penny burst into tears, startling him. "You are upset for me?" he asked carefully.

"Leonard cheated on me with your slut assistant!" Penny cried. She pulled the bottle from behind her back and twisted the cap off. She grabbed two glasses and poured them both a healthy measure. Penny grabbed her glass and drank half immediately.

Sheldon took a gulp and immediately gasped. He coughed and Penny slapped his back. He nodded his thanks and took a smaller sip. Once they had finished their drinks she poured them another round.

"I can't believe she would just break up with me so easily. After all the compromises and demands I gave into." He turned to face Penny fully. "Do you know what I allowed her to get away with? The pressures I gave in to just to keep her happy? She always pushed. She never let up on me. Everyone knows how much I abhor touching and being crowded. She knew how I am before we entered a relationship." He finished the second glass just after Penny and placed it on the counter for another refill.

"But she pushed anyway. And whenever I asked for space, or time, she would complain that I wasn't trying hard enough." Sheldon looked at Penny questioningly. "Why couldn't she just accept me for who I am, Penny? Why did she want to change me so badly?"

"Leonard was the same," Penny said sadly. "Always pushing. And I let him because I wanted him to be happy. I can't believe I gave in so much. He was jealous of my friends, so I stopped going out. He was jealous of my tutor, so I quit getting tutored. He is so needy and I spent all my time reassuring him." She looked at Sheldon unhappily. "But did he ever reassure me? No. He made me feel weak and stupid."

Sheldon shook his head and wobbled slightly. "You aren't stupid. You don't live up to your potential, but you have lots of knowlerdge 'bout useless stuff." Sheldon frowned. "Knowlerdge. Knowleg. Knobledge. Smarts!" he said finally with a pleased air.

Penny giggled and took a gulp of her drink. "You're drunk already."

Sheldon looked stung. "I am not! I'm a Texan! We can drink you under the porch."

Penny giggled again. "I don't have a porch."

Sheldon downed the rest of his rum and pointed a wobble finger at her. "Xactly!"

Penny grabbed his arm and tugged him to the sofa. They flopped down on it and Penny poured them some more rum. "Our significant others suck, Moon Pie."

He nodded and leaned his head back on the couch. He turned to look at her and his lips twitched. "We'd have both avoideded all this if you had just said yesh when I asked you out. And don't call me Moon Pie"

Penny laid her head on her arm across the back of the couch. "We both know you were just jealous of Stuart, sweetie."

Sheldon looked away quickly so Penny wouldn't see the truth in his expression. Sheldon's body twitched and he leaned forward to gulp his drink. He knew the alcohol was loosening his tongue, but some things didn't need to be said. "Do ya know what Sheptember 19th is?" he asked.

Penny shook her head, her mind on that twitch. What had made him fidget?

"Talk like a pirate day," he answered. "And a desert pirate done stole my girlfriend."

Penny gasped and jumped up. She grabbed a magazine from the table and shoved it into Sheldon's hand. "Look!" He had to concentrate to focus on the cover. It was a catalog from a costume shop. He looked over at Penny with confusion. "It's a new shop over on Union street," she said. "Let's go. We can find pirate costumes!"

Sheldon frowned trying to figure out why that was a bad idea. He knew it was, but he couldn't work out why. Pirate costumes would be appropriate. So why couldn't they go? He turned to her quickly, and the room spun. "Drinking!" he shouted. "We're drinking, no driving!"

A knock across the hall distracted Penny so she opened the door, and found Bernadette and Raj at Sheldon's door. "Yippee!" she yelled. She turned to Sheldon and grinned. "Bernadette and Raj can take us!"

Bernadette and Raj walked into 4B hesitantly and froze with shock. "Is Sheldon drunk?" she whispered to Penny.

Penny giggled and slipped into the small space between Sheldon and the sofa arm. "We're celebrating! Leonard is a cheating bastard and Amy is a pirate's bride! We want costumes."

Sheldon nodded, not minding Penny's body pressed against his at all. "Yar har har! We be pirates!"

Bernadette and Raj looked at each other and then back at their friends. "What do we do?" Bernadette whispered to Raj. "Sober them up or take them shopping?"

Raj looked at the two inebriated friends and then Bernadette. He smiled and pulled out his wallet.

"Hopefully they'll pass out before we get out of the parking lot," she muttered. She wished Howie wasn't at that stupid faculty meeting so he could help keep their friends out of trouble.

* * *

By the time they got to the shop, Penny and Sheldon were only half drunk. However, they were still sloshed enough to act like children in a toy store. Of course, once Bernadette saw the Victorian dresses and elaborate costumes, she was just as enchanted. In fact, an hour later, the guys were handing over their credit cards to a cashier. Sheldon insisted on paying for Bernadette and Penny because, as he put it, he'd be a true scallywag if he let them spend their money.

Penny turned in front of a full length mirror beside Bernadette and laughed. The leather corset was cinched tight, pushing her cleavage up enticingly. The black velour pants rode low on her hips, and left her stomach bare. They were tucked into thigh high pig skin boots with skull and crossbones boot toppers. A blood red sash was tied low on her hips and a buccaneer hat sat jauntily on her head.

Bernadette was adjusting the under-bust purple corset over her black Wisna pirate blouse for a more comfortable fit. It made her already ample bosom jut out proudly. The long ruffled velvet skirt fell about her hips in a very flattering way. In her 3 inch pirate boots, she was as tall as Raj. Penny looked at her Indian friend with a smile.

He reminded her of the Dread Pirate Roberts in his black ensemble. The silk scarf over his head, the black ruffled shirt, the leather pants and the folded down boots made him very sexy. Until you saw the poor Yorkie he always carried around. He had placed her in a green and gold wench outfit, complete with tricorn hat.

But it was Sheldon who made her stomach flip. He was wearing a white lace up shirt, that he had neglected to actually lace up. She could see the lightly defined muscles of his chest and stomach, and the smattering of hair that trailed into the pants. Those sinfully tight black cotton pants that hugged his ass like they were painted on. Around his waist was a wide leather belt through which he had shoved a replica blunderbuss. His boots were polished leather and came to mid calf. They had a silver toe and a buckled strap across the top. His red Captain Morgan coat billowed behind him as he walked. And that was the major problem for Penny. His walk. In that costume, he didn't walk. He strutted. His body moved with a confidence and assurance that he rarely displayed. Penny gulped and adjusted the elaborate ostrich plume on her hat to distract herself.

Penny's eyes roamed around the room and she gasped softly. She walked over to a small glass display and lightly pressed her hand to it. The cameo was set on a velvet ribbon. It was different that any other cameo she had ever seen before. A creamy silhouette of an embracing couple instead of the usual side profile. The onyx behind the figures made it appear as if they were framed by night. The delicate silver filigree surrounding the cameo shone brightly under the florescent lights.

"Penny?" She jumped and spun around to find Sheldon only a few inches away. He was looking over her shoulder at the case curiously. Penny gave it one last lingering look, knowing the $600 price tag was too far out of her budget.

"Let's go," she said roughly. "I need another drink before I sober up and realize this is a bad idea."

Bernadette looked at her with alarm. "Wait. You want us to go out like this? In public?"

Sheldon grinned widely. "To the rum, me hearties!"

Bernadette followed hesitantly as Sheldon led the way to the car, Penny and Raj following closely behind.

* * *

_Aft the quarterdeck_

_The gallant captain stands_

_Looking to windward_

_With his glasses in his hand_

_What is he thinking of_

_We know very well_

_He's thinking more of shortening sail_

_Than strike, strike the bell! _

They all downed the last of their beers and slammed their empty glasses down. Penny couldn't help giggling as they finished the song.

Sheldon pointed his long index finger at her with mock sternness. "You're three sheets to the wind, me lass," he said before looking around the club. "Where's that beer wench?"

Raj slumped forward and laid his head on his arms sleepily. Bernadette leaned over and rested against his back. She pulled out her phone and called the first number in her call history. It rang twice and then she heard her favorite voice in the world. "Howie!" Sheldon and Penny cheered loudly while Raj snored. "I love you, Howie. You're my wittle snoogie woogie! And once I get home from The Hot Spot, I'm gonna (hiccup) blow my man down!" She hung up and giggled wildly.

Penny sputtered and laughed with her. Sheldon finally spotted the waitress and threw his hand in the air. "Thar she blows!" he said in a chipper voice. "More ale for me and my crew!"

The waitress smirked and brushed her hip against his arm. She bent down near his ear. "Or what?" Her fingers trailed across his shoulder. "I'll have to walk the plank?"

Penny grabbed the girl's arm and jerked her away. "No, but I'll shove you in Davey Jones' Locker if you touch my captain again, wench!" The waitress flounced off angrily.

Sheldon smiled at Penny. "My faithful cockswain! Issuing a black spot on my behalf! For that I promote you to first mate!"

Penny propped her head on her hand, with her elbow on the table. "That cockswain thingie better be a good thing, Captain Moon Pie, or you'll feel my cutlass twixt your ribs."

Sheldon reached over and adjusted the feather as it draped down onto her cheek. He gulped slightly as her eyes locked onto his. "Tis a good thing," he said honestly. They stared at each other for a long moment. Sheldon watched eagerly as Penny licked her lips and raised her head. Suddenly an arm broke their field of vision and the waitress set more beers in front of them. The moment was broken, and they both leaned back in their chairs.

A light snore drew their attention to their friends, who were both passed out. Penny smirked. "Lightweights."

Sheldon watched Penny reach over to ruffle the Yorkie's ears as it sat beside Raj's arm. "What are you going to do about Leonard?" he asked hesitantly.

Penny sighed and reached for her beer. "I kicked his ass to the curb." She regarded him carefully. "I know you wanted me and Leonard to stay together, but I won't stay with a cheater, Sheldon."

He shook his head quickly, and instantly regretted it as the room spun. "I never wanted you two to get back together. I thought it was foolish. I just didn't want you to hurt him. It makes my life difficult when he's overly emotional. Besides, he's my friend."

Penny sighed. "I'm going to miss you guys," she said softly.

Sheldon looked down at the table, knowing what she meant. Later he would wonder if it was the alcohol talking or just the memory of losing her company the last time Leonard and Penny split up. "Don't leave me," he asked softly. "I'm your friend, aren't I?"

Penny reached out and cupped his jaw. "Yes, you are. But you and I both know Leonard isn't going to want me over."

"But I do," he insisted. "I've missed spending time with you, Penny. We never do that anymore."

Before she could think of a response, Howard appeared at their table. "What the frak?"

Bernadette and Raj woke up suddenly. "Yo ho ho!" Bernadette chirped drunkenly. She looked around and saw her husband beside her and giggled. "You're a landlubber!" Penny and Sheldon burst out laughing.

* * *

Howard pulled up to the apartment building and turned to Sheldon wearily. "Can you two get upstairs okay or do I need to help you?"

Sheldon flung open the back passenger door and climbed out wobbly. Penny was a bit steadier and she made her way around the car to slip an arm through Sheldon's. "I got him," she said. The two of them headed into the lobby slowly. They made their way up the stairs with only the occasional stumble.

It took almost twenty minutes to reach the fourth floor. Penny dug their keys from the buckskin pouch on her hip. She really needed to remember to get their clothes from Bernadette's trunk tomorrow. She unlocked Sheldon's door and then turned toward hers. Instead she found herself almost pressed against Sheldon's chest. She dragged her eyes up to his and found him looking down at her with an expression she was all too familiar with, but had never seen on his face.

"Sheldon?" she asked softly. "It's just the drinks. Go to bed."

His hands came up to rest on either side of her head. He braced his weight and leaned down. His lips ghosted over hers before settling firmly. Penny couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. She couldn't think. Never before had a simple kiss rendered her immobile. It was as if he had taken away all her willpower.

Sheldon was in hyper drive. He felt as if the world was moving at a snail's pace as he sped through the universe. He understood how Barry Allen must have felt the first time he used his powers. Every atom of his being vibrated fiercely as the taste of Penny's watermelon chapstick burst over his tongue. He shuddered as he felt the heat from her body against his chest.

Slowly he pulled back. He licked the remnants of the lip gloss from his lips. "Shiver me timbers," he whispered.

He took that final step and pressed Penny against the wall. He bent and devoured her mouth hungrily. Penny's arms snaked under his coat and wrapped around his back tight. A low growl issued from her tall friend. Sheldon' hands moved down to grip under her bottom and lift her up the wall a few inches. Penny spread her legs and gripped his hips with her knees to help support her body.

Sheldon groaned as his erection pressed against her thigh. He released her lips and pressed his mouth to her clavicle. He nipped at the tightly stretched skin there and she moaned in his ear. It was hot and sexy and wanton.

"What the hell?!"

Sheldon sprang back and Penny landed on her ass. Sheldon hurriedly bent and helped her up. They both ignored the furious man watching them. "I apologize," Sheldon said softly. "I was startled."

Penny nodded. "I'm okay." She looked up at Sheldon and sighed. "Go on in. Goodnight, Captain Moon Pie." Sheldon smiled shyly and nodded. He slipped into the apartment silently. Penny leaned back against the wall and tilted her head back.

"Is this your way of getting even with me?" Leonard asked with barely controlled rage.

Penny looked over at him. "I have no interest in 'getting even' with you, Leonard. We went out, we had a few drinks, and we got caught up in the fun we were having."

Leonard looked at her carefully. "Why are you wearing that? Are you two playing some kind of sex game?" he asked appalled. "He's my friend and roommate. He's dating your best friend!"

Penny glared at Leonard, her temper rising quickly. "Don't you dare play the wounded party here! You're the one sticking his dick in any floozy that gives you a second glance. I'm not the one who cheated. I'm not the who betrayed anyone. I'm not the asshole here. Don't you dare act like I did anything wrong!"

Penny stormed over to her door and unlocked it. She flung it open and turned back to him. "You leave Sheldon alone, too, or I'll make sure you're useless to any woman ever again." She stepped inside and slammed the door behind her.

Leonard stormed into the apartment but stopped short at the sight of Sheldon waiting on him. His eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth but Sheldon beat him to it.

"What you did to Penny was deplorable. You have no right to question her or me. And I'll tell you this right now, don't try to stop her from visiting. She is welcome here any time."

Leonard clenched his hands tightly. "This is my apartment as much as it is yours."

Sheldon quirked an eyebrow at him. "It's MY name on the lease. Technically, you sublet from me."

Leonard flung his arms out. "Where's Amy, Sheldon? You want to point fingers? Where's YOUR girlfriend?"

"Amy is currently packing her belongings. Her fiancé is making arrangements for their upcoming nuptials. She ended our relationship this morning. I am a single man. And Penny is a single woman. What we do is none of your business." Sheldon turned and headed to his room.

"You can't date your best friend's ex!" Leonard said harshly.

Sheldon ignored him and kept moving.

* * *

Penny poured herself a cup of coffee and stirred in some milk. She paused when she heard him.

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny?"

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny?"

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny?"

She walked over and opened the door. "Good morning, Sheldon." She looked at him worriedly. He was disheveled and still in his pajamas.

He looked down at the floor. "I smelled the coffee and knew you were up. I hope you do not mind my intrusion."

Penny sighed softly and walked back to the kitchen. "Come in, sweetie. How are you feeling?"

"My tongue tastes strange even after several brushings, my head is pounding and my stomach is churning. However, I felt worse after the "Lost Pants" fiasco."

Penny pulled down the tea kettle and filled it up. She placed it on the burner and reached for the chamomile tea bags. Sheldon nodded approvingly and moved closer. He studied her posture and drew the conclusion she wasn't nervous or upset. She seemed relaxed enough.

He drew on his scant courage and placed a hand on her shoulder, turning her to face him. He had a speech prepared. He had worked the numbers. It was a feasible endeavor. He just needed to convince her. But then he looked at her expression. He had never been a capable facial reader. But hers was all too easy to decipher. Concern, tender fondness, and happiness.

"I am not an experienced romantic partner," he said softly. "I have never had an adequate reason to learn those skills. Do you have the patience to teach me?"

Penny smiled wryly and tilted her head. "I have a lot of experience with the physical aspects, sweetie, but I'm no expert on the emotional side either. Are you sure you want to date someone so much dumber than you?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I think we have both been wrong about your intelligence, Penny. You may lack standardized education, but you know more about life and living than I do. I do not need someone of comparable intelligence. I need someone I care about. Who cares about me. I like you, Penny. And I trust you."

She grinned and placed a hand on his arm. "I trust and like you, too. I'd like to see what we could be like together."

He stepped forward and paused. "I'm not ready for coitus, and I am not sure when I will be. But I would like to kiss you again. Sober, this time."

Penny raised up on her toes and gripped his forearms. "I think you'll be worth the wait," she whispered before his lips descended onto hers. Once again, the world slowed down, and the two of them forgot about everything but each other.

* * *

The door opened behind her and Missy stepped into the room. She looked utterly sinful in her low cut tavern wench dress. She walked over and shook her head. "Darlin' I have to admit I was skeptical when you and Shelly told us all that you were going for a pirate wedding. But I have to admit, it works. Shelly looks handsome as all get out, and you look like a heartbreaker." She held out a black box to Penny. "That brother of mine said you were to wear this."

Penny took the box and opened it curiously. She gasped and pulled out the lovely cameo she had admired in the costume shop two years ago. She handed it to Bernadette eagerly and bent so her maid of honor could put it on her. It nestled in the hollow of her throat. She caressed it softly and smiled. He never failed to amaze her.

She turned to the women and grinned jauntily. "Heave ho, ladies. Batten down the hatches, raise the Jolly Roger. It's time to scuttle Sheldon's bachelorhood!"

* * *

The weather in Anaheim was perfect. Everyone, including the guests were in costume. More than a few visitors to Disneyland that day wondered if they were filming a scene for a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. How surprised would they all have been to know the script playing out before them? A genius physicist and a cheeky waitress who found love despite the odds.


End file.
